Finally

Finally, I’m feeling it. I can sense myself accepting and welcoming changes. Family values rarely placed importance up until this year. Progressively, I’ve been finding a very supportive haven within my “blood”. My mother came to visit during Mid-Autumn festival and after a whole lot of stressful issues, I dissolved all of it in her presence. This probably explains why I was down to see her depart once more out of a thousand. Stability within the household is something I’ve been waiting on for a long time and it’s definitely the easiest change I’m accepting thus far. As for others outside of this circle, a bit more challenging.

Earlier, I couldn’t grasp my highest confidantes would turn corners but yeah it happened. In the end, it wasn’t fighting for our relationship but sweeping problems under the carpet. Lately, someone has been there for me and it’s only because this friend could speak above the storm and value the beauty of intangible things like friendship. When you’re drowning, the real support will sink with you to the bottom, while the fake will float. You just know who is the real rock in your life.

It has come to a point where the mere name of someone who has burned me out fast, can make my stomach churn. Maybe it’s because they’ve put you out so many times, and it’s just a matter of time before they put you off. It’s kind of sad to see such amiable figures descend in your priorities. It really is…

One good thing is that I took one step today to confirm that I’m finishing up some old projects that need much closure. It was simply through a meaningless test that made me realize how much sooner the door will open. This time it won’t open with a huge hole before it, precisely because, I built the house. The last thing I need to do is build the front door. Walk through it, shut out some things and bask in a new setting.  I honestly can’t believe how things are unfolding. It ain’t perfect but it’s as perfect as it can get at this moment.  At least I know, cutting corners was not due to the compromise of my integrity, but someone Else’s.  You have to move on when your rocks don’t change shape, that is to say, transcend for the better.

Also, I’d like to note that every little thing I post up, people think it has something to do with them. Sometimes, they’re just thoughts, not a personal telegram. I suppose if people felt targeted, then they did something guilty that I don’t know about. I don’t care to bite the dust for mistakes that aren’t my own, anymore.

Happy change.

Um

I never thought I’d say this. Everything I knew is falling apart. While one hugely important issue is finally solving out, other things I built myself on is proving to be untrue and fleeting. What great timing. This is all the more reason to believe next year is meant to be as I kick off with a life transition. Why is everyone being vague. It’s ironic how the “real” things and people are motivating you to leave them behind. I don’t get what’s happening…

(Insert)

Vous êtes la seule chose qui me garde heureux et incroyablement triste. J’avais un moment aujourd’hui où j’étais heureux et ai oublié de vous. Bien que la blessure que vous avez provoquée soit plus grande que le bonheur que vous m’avez donné, j’ai peur de rendant compte que mes moments futurs seront remplis du bonheur sans vous. J’ai peur d’oubliant de tout que vous avez provoqué dans moi.

Transitioning

It’s been a year since I logged onto my blog. Like any trail you leave behind, visiting it can be bittersweet. Reading back on your own writing is quite unlike another. I’m listening to a song by Barcelona as I struggle to write this. Expressing doesn’t come as swiftly anymore. I can barely transmit my thoughts through my fingertips and my dysfunctional keys are not helping either. Nevertheless, I’m urged to use this outlet to purge the remainders of this past shaky year (even though I’m thoroughly against blatant hearty out-pours) because right now, the most unfortunate thing is, I’m the only one who can hear it breaking and I would like to release that, if only for a while.

I feel like the first half of 2009 has been a mirage. It was something to see but not to have. The scorching summer heat didn’t only set my skin ablaze but also, possibly my soul. Something unexpected grew alarmingly important to me. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t dream it. I never asked. It was a bottomless pit of happiness that I kept to myself. The depth of my involvement, it was too grand for me to even understand so when it broke, some part of me went with its flow.

This thing grew to be a form of concealed hate and affection. Some form of tension and sadness. Everything. I took a detour. I let everyone down because I used other guilty pleasure methods to incinerate the attachment I had. The regret amounted close to dismissing my life because my actions left me in the hospital for weeks. My ship was sailing before all this. Ambitious, stable and content. It faded in a few breaths. People advised me to confront the problem, be the bigger person and lead the elephant out of the room. Well, I can’t. I know myself that much. I would rather let it sit there for future use. Or I could just let it die in there, never visit it and move on with my purpose and goal. Either way, now is not the time. Too much is happening. I’m hoping this issue can grow and wait. Maybe the July eclipse affected everyone, as friends all around me went through a streak of emotions. It was weird. It was the sun of hurt. I was possessed to make the rest as busy as possible, to forget, to burn myself out right before bed so that I wouldn’t have to think. Even so, my deepest desires and rooted sadness appeared in my dreams. At least, they are the cloudier versions of reality, I tell myself.

For the first time, the future is daunting and setting fears in my head. We are all cowards in the face of happiness. You expect something for so long that when you get the chance, it’s too good to be true. I’ve been dealing with this opportunity for a while at a productive pace, but some things, some people are in the way. I’ve been in this existential funk for a week. My mind is an occupied country. People are being vague. I have big changes to make. In such crazy, pivotal situations, you look down from your mountain top, reminisce, evaluate and choose what and who to take with you. They are the chapter of my current life and I really don’t want to close it. But I’ve already started…and habitually, I finish what has begun. Moving on is a simple thing to do but what you leave behind is the hard part. Sure, life is what I make it to be. Things will get better, I will be happy, yada yada yada but I’m paying attention to this moment, not the vast uncertainties of an unwritten book.

The verge of change is across the road and I’m on the other side with my head down, staring at the concrete that won’t betray me like other things. The winds of time and signal may be breezing through my hair but I still feel the comfort of the red light that is shining from those I never want to let go of. This is me everyday since then. But at some point, if I want to get somewhere, I have to go with the unfamiliar green. Even if water drops from my face before each step. This is how the pen will start writing.

I’m unbelievably sad.

One Day

Something we never want to hear, is that the only thing we have in common is eventual death. The idea is set behind the back of our minds, because we’re busy carrying out conventions and traditions that’s been this universally life-long routine. Through it all, we sit to replay the best moments and reflect on sad ones as fuel to embrace whatever time we have. Why? It’s because we know that we’re not immortal.

It’s as though I only just realized how vulnerable humans are. There’s this plastic wrap dividing the living and the already-lived. Only one person in my family has passed away and even still, I didn’t know her well enough to truly mourn. In high school, a teacher I used to work with after school, moved on only after 3 weeks of being married. A girl I went to school with and saw everyday for a year, she lost her older sister, who was friends with my best friend’s brother. A close friend of mine, who I knew for eight years but never got to know till now, her friend ran a stop light and never woke up. Tonight, I learned that the head of the student body in UNC was shot to death. She was a friend of a friend of a friend. The point is, I didn’t know these people personally. However, the proximity of it all feels so close merely because as we grow older, we meet more people, hence more connections link us home. Most people don’t care, they shrug it off and it doesn’t matter. These events may not shape me vastly but at least it should be enough for any normal human being to be still in wonderment asking what are God’s plans? I want to know despite how dauntingn just so I can fulfill what I can. But that’s the one thing we’ll never know.

Someone said that life is an hour glass glued to a table. It’s fast, it’s set and no one can manipulate it. I haven’t been living for even 2 decades and people around me are leaving forever. It’s been happening for ages but you don’t hear and react to it all your life. We always think that such things won’t come of us so soon. I suppose this is a good awareness because it’s confronting that you understand what it means to not know when your last day is going to be. Thus, you know what it means to really appreciate each day. Cliches are obviously true.